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(like a bad habit)

[25 Aug 2005|09:31pm]
The job is decent. I can't really complain...everyone is super nice. I'm not trained on anything yet, but it's cool. Jess and I shopped for 7 hours...I'm exhausted.

I am so fucking happy this summer is over. This has been the worst summer of my life. I've had to deal with a lot of shit from people, and I've had to overcome the worst broken heart. I don't know...I'm happy to be back in a routine. I won't be home enough to sit and think about him. This is the best thing for me right now. Working two jobs until January will be great because I don't have to think about him as much. I have a focus. Working gives me a focus, because when I'm at a job, I'm really all about getting the job done and doing it 100%.

I'm ready to move on, however it's going to be. I fucking miss him so much, but missing people doesn't bring them back to you.

(1 need me | like a bad habit)

[25 Aug 2005|01:15am]
Hung out with Kat and Mark tonight. That's always an adventure. I told them I want a boy to take me to the zoo so I can see some 'god damn fucking monkeys.' I rule. We decided that we're going to the Franklin Institue, only the most fun place ever. I really want to go on day trips.

I have been wanting to go to the zoo for like a year now, and a certain someone would never take me. I will go by myself if I have to at this point. I'm just so sick of doing the same thing. Someone take me somewhere.

(like a bad habit)

[24 Aug 2005|08:27pm]
I'm sad again. I did ok for what...2 days?
I thought I was stronger than this, but I'm not. I'm not at all. I fucking miss him. There's not even a chance he misses me though...he's moved on. I haven't. I thought I had, but I haven't moved at all.

I'm really angry. I'm not even sure who at anymore. Most of all myself, because I'm the one that pushed him away. I screwed up. I would have left me too. I fucked it up. I'm angry at him for walking away from me though, but who can blame him. I'm angry at her for stealing his heart, and I'm angry at everyone who gets to be with him in the future that isn't me. That sounds completely irrational, but I'm not rational right now.

I'm just so devastated. I haven't had that much time to think about everything for the past few days. But now that I have a lot of free time today, it's all I fucking think about. I think about him holding someone else's hand and I want to throw up. I know it's stupid, because we haven't been together for almost 6 months (that's crazy) so who am I to judge? I just hate myself for screwing this all up. If I would have kept my mouth shut 2 months ago none of this would be happening. Maybe it would be, but I'd at least be in his life. I lost my best friend. It's like a death or something...I don't have my best friend anymore.

If I could have anything in the world, it would be to take back every bad thing I've ever said or did to him. Then maybe we'd be together right now. I seriously do not know what else to do. I've tried hanging out with friends, I've tried hanging out with guys, I've tried keeping myself busy, but nothing is helping. I want something to help.

I hate that I ruin everything good ever given to me. I take everything for granted, and fuck things up. I've ruined everything relationship I've ever been in, I push people away and say hurtful things and I don't know why I do it. I'm sick of doing it.

I want to hate him, but I never will. If he didn't hate me, maybe this would be easier. I am so sick of maybes and would haves it's disgusting.

I miss you.

When we met you said we were the same, you know
that we're different, we're different,
and all the times you promised me that everything would
work out in the end, you were gravely mistaken

(like a bad habit)

[24 Aug 2005|05:33pm]
I just want someone to hold my hand...

(3 need me | like a bad habit)

[24 Aug 2005|12:18pm]
I really want this hoodie when it comes out:
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
the leopard one.

I don't own any L.A.M.B. clothes, but I really want a hoodie. The leopard print is ugly but it's cute ugly...the red one is cute too. I waitlisted myself for the leopard just in case...haha. Oh, and they're fleece so they're warm.

(like a bad habit)

[24 Aug 2005|02:09am]
After seriously hitting rock bottom, I think I'm dealing a lot better now.

I catch myself wondering what he's doing, or how he is, but it doesn't really sting as bad when I think about him. It still hurts but it's getting a little bit duller. The question is, is he dating? I really don't think I care, I'm just curious, that's all. I'm nosey, what can I say? I just want to know if there's something more there between him and someone else. I said some fucked up things to him the other day, so it's not like he'll ever speak to me again and I'll find out or not. I'm so stupid sometimes. I don't know...I just hate being hurt, and I feel the need to hurt the person back. I'm too immature and dumb. I take it all back. I know if he called tried to contact me, I'd be happy. I'm not counting on it though. I'm pretty sure he hates me. I think I'd hate me too though...I let my anger take control too often and I end up saying things I don't even mean.

I just need to heal completely before I throw myself back out there. I would love to meet someone and have a relationship, but I don't think I'm ready. And who the hell am I meeting anyway? The kind of boys I'm attracted to don't date girls like me...I'm probably better off...haha.

I don't feel the need to keep this friends only that much anymore. I don't have anything to hide. I never really did.

EDIT- I'm pretty sure he's not dating...

(3 need me | like a bad habit)

[24 Aug 2005|01:08am]
Is it weird that my mom and I watch "Being Bobby Brown" together?

Today was a good day. I haven't been able to say that in so long. I went and applied at After Hours. I have my interview with their DM tomorrow at 2:30 at Cherry Hill. I'm really nervous, because I've never applied at a dress up job before. This is seriously the dumbest thing to be thinking about, but I just like to make good impressions. I need to actually be professional for this job interview, unlike my previous ones.

Because of these new jobs, I went scouring the whole entire mall with Rachel for a fucking pair of black pants that fit. Do clothes makers not realize that there are people under 5"6 in the world? I wound up settling for a pair that's about a foot too long, but it was the best I could find. So I either have to hem them, or buy big ass shoes. I'm going for option number 1.

I'm really hoping I get this job. I really don't feel like looking for one anymore. And why do people STILL keep asking me why I didn't go back to HT? I didn't want to be a keyholder there again...why can't anyone understand this? Oh well.

Cross your fingers for me and wish me luck :)

(1 need me | like a bad habit)

[23 Aug 2005|01:00am]
I'm super excited to start this job. I go in on Sunday for orientation/training.

I hung out with Carolyn tonight. We went to Friday's then to her apartment at Temple so she could see what she needed to get at Ikea. We went over there, and I got some random things. Came back to her house and watched Laguna Beach and My Super Sweet Sixteen, which was lame tonight. I can't believe I'm so obsessed with those two shows, but whatever. I love watching shows about spoiled rich kids, what can I say.

Came home around 11 and got inspired to actually clean my room so I've been doing that ever since. I needed to get things organized and whatnot, because it's a mess in here. I'm only halfway done, but I got tired and stopped. I have this plan that I will wake up at a somewhat decent time tomorrow, clean, watch the Creek, and do whatever. I have to go up to the mall for a job application and to see if I can find some black pants.

Rachel and I will hopefully hang out tomorrow after that. I miss her :( Give me a call sometime tomorrow if you see this...maybe we can call Kat too and have a little highschool reunion of sorts...haha, right.

Things are ok now...at least as good as they're going to be for a little bit.

(2 need me | like a bad habit)

[22 Aug 2005|02:13pm]
I just weighed myself and I'm at the lowest weight I've been in like 2 years. This whole not eating when I'm bored, and only eating somewhat decent foods, is working. I'd like to lose 20 more pounds. I'm going to start walking everyday. I'm happy today. It's about fucking time.

(3 need me | like a bad habit)

[22 Aug 2005|12:42pm]
I finally got a job! Well sort of. It's only a few hours a week, but it's something. It's at the Body Shop and I'm excited because I'll be getting paid to help people pick out make up and moisturizers and such. I still need to find a second job, so I'm going up to the Moorestown Mall tomorrow to see if After Hours, where Jess works, is still hiring part time management.

I also get a justified shopping trip, because I have to go buy black pants and black tops for work.

Ok, so today won't completely suck. I won't let it.

(2 need me | like a bad habit)

[21 Aug 2005|07:15pm]
You know what? I don't really care what he, or anyone else thinks of me. I'm not this hard ass tough girl who listens to metal music and wears 'metal' clothes. Horror movies don't interest me that much. I don't like bloody things. I love watching teen comedies, and Clueless is my favorite movie. I don't care who knows that. I like the color pink, I love Hello Kitty, I like sparkly cute things, and I love anything retro, cherry printed, polka dotted, or leopard print. I collect Barbies and I read girlie books. I love reading Cosmo and tabloids. I paint my toe nails religously and I love make up. I spend more money on clothes, purses, shoes, and make up than I need to, but I don't care because that's me. I refuse to apologize for being a little vain, I refuse to apologize for listening to Justin Timerblake, and I refuse to apologize for being myself. I like shopping at the Gap, and I love American Eagle's clothes. I love my big sunglasses and my huge earrings. I don't care if you don't like me. I don't care if you dis my Gwen magazine collection or my Hello Kitty underwear collection. I don't care if you think I am ugly or fat or think my ass is too big or my hands too small. I don't give a shit if you don't like my hair, or my clothes, or the fact that I'm addicted to lip gloss, because this is who I am. Call me a poser, call me a fake, call me whatever the fuck you want. Talk about me with your friends, make comments about me to each other because I'm over it. I feel that lately, I've been having to justify everything about myself and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being called a bitch for speaking up about how I feel. I'm sick of being attacked for picking on people. Well I don't fucking pick on everyone...I pick on fake people. I pick on people who try so fucking hard to be something they're not. So seriously, everyone, get off of my ass for being myself. If you don't like me, then stop trying to find out things about me.

And for the record, if you don't like what I have to say in this fucking INTERNET JOURNAL, then stop reading it.

(2 need me | like a bad habit)

[21 Aug 2005|06:58pm]
I hate when people you don't know too well try and give you advice, but instead of it being advice, it's more like putting you down. How the hell are you going to tell me what I'm like when you barely know me? That shit pisses me off. I don't mind helping people out and giving advice, but when I do that, I don't get pissy about it. It's bad enough dealing with problems let alone getting shitty advice from someone who barely knows you.

Gah, I need to go out.

(like a bad habit)

[21 Aug 2005|01:40am]
Has livejournal been acting up for anyone else? I just logged in, and my user icon was totally different and not even one of mine. Has this happened to anyone else, or did someone log in and change them? I'm really confused.

(1 need me | like a bad habit)

i fucking love this song [20 Aug 2005|02:48am]
Shaking like a dog shittin' razorblades,
waking up next to nothing after dreaming of you and me
I'm waking up all alone, waking up so relieved
while you're taking your time with apologies,
I'm making my plans for revenge
Red eyes on orange horizons
If Columbus was wrong I'd drive straight off the edge
I'd drive straight off the edge

Taking your own life with boredom,
I'm taking my own life with wine -
it helps you to rule out the sorrow,
it helps me to empty my mind
Making the most of a bad time
I'm smoking the brains from my head
Leaving the coal calling the kettle black and orange and red
This kettle is seeing red

I've got a big fat fuckin' bone to pick with you my darling
In case you haven't heard I'm sick and tired of trying
I wish you would take my radio to bathe with you,
plugged in and ready to fall

Plugged in and ready to fall

(like a bad habit)

[19 Aug 2005|05:29pm]
I finally have an interview tomorrow at The Body Shop. Granted, it's only for a sales associate, but I'll probably end up making about the same as if I was a manager somewhere (or just at HT...whatev). So cross your fingers for me! Plus I want this job because you get a pretty sweet discount, and you all know how I am with make up and body products.

Now if I could only find something to do, I'd be set.

I'm back to being angry, but that's better for me, because when I'm angry, it doesn't hurt as bad. That's not healthy but whatever...I'd rather be pissed than sad.

(like a bad habit)

[19 Aug 2005|12:23pm]
1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.
my answersCollapse )

(like a bad habit)

[19 Aug 2005|03:44am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I feel slightly better. Still agitated, but that's to be expected. I just wish I could sleep. It's getting ridiculous. I haven't had a good night's sleep in forever. I'm too stressed for sleep. I lay there but I just keep thinking about shit I shouldn't be thinking about.

I'm still losing my mind though. I keep replaying situations over and over again and wondering what I could have done differently. I keep getting stomach aches about it. I just wish he'd at least talk to me. I feel uneasy, and I just want to smooth things over as best as they can be smoothed over. I don't think I'll ever get that chance though.

I'm ready to start over. I need to start a new life and start making new memories. Maybe then the old ones won't hurt so bad.

(like a bad habit)

public entry [18 Aug 2005|12:48pm]
I'm making this a public entry because I need to say something.
I never tried to start anything with anyone. I was pissed off at *him* for reasons I'm not going to get into because it's between us, or was anyway. Thing is, I found out things I shouldn't have ever found out, and it hurt me. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but what happeneded did. This whole situation? Hurts me a lot because I'm still dealing with us breaking up, and everything I say in here is just what I think. I'm not going to lie...I was jealous of the fact that I feel like I'm not good for him. That someone else is better than me, and that's why he left and is hanging out with her or anyone else. It was nothing personal...I'm just not good at this whole move on forget about him crap, because it's hard for me. He was a big part of my life.
So, I never wanted to start drama. I never meant to cause it. I didn't know people were somehow logging into my journal and reading it (or however people read it), and I didn't know people were going to find me on Myspace or whatever other lame site I'm on. Some of the stuff wasn't even about the people they think it was about. And honestly, that whole bitches... thing, really has been a joke between me and a few friends for like 2 years now. This never had anything to do with anyone except him and I. I screwed up, whatev, it happens. I'm not an asshole, I'm just dealing with some shit right now.

(4 need me | like a bad habit)

[16 Aug 2005|12:58am]
If you are over the age of 14, stop TyPiNg LiKe ThIs and saying things like 'omg' and 'wow!!!'. It's annoying and it hurts my eyes.

Anyway, I think I'm starting to get sick. I have an interview tomorrow, so hopefully I'm not sick or anything.

I'd just like to thank my friends for being so awesome.

(like a bad habit)

[15 Aug 2005|02:41pm]
Old journal gone.
People don't know how to stay out of my buisness.
Locked as always. This journal is definitely more private.

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